Okay, so it’s not a surprise to a lot of you when I say I am bipolar. It’s not like it’s not obvious to those who know me and I’m pretty open with it on social media and in person. Although to some people is would be a surprise as I do so much with music, modelling, and many other projects so I suppose it could look like I have it all together. I do at times but most of the time it feel like I myself and my life is falling apart is everything including myself is out of control.
Although alongside my Bipolar Disorder, I have Borderline Personality and PTSD. Borderline Personality causes, crippling anxiety, OCD, Mental Fatigue (Brain Fog), Body Dysmorphia, agoraphobia and anorexic tendencies in me. The PTSD causes traumatic flashbacks from past trauma, causes me to be afraid of noises, answering the door, answering the phone at times and being a recluse basically. They all make me feel like they ruin me as a person and I can tend to be very angry at times without even realising why. I take it out on the closest to me and for that, I feel so much guilt. I have a chronic guilt disorder anyway, it’s possibly one of the hardest parts of my mental health to deal with.
Without going into detail, I have been abused in the most horrific of ways, domestically abused, sexually, psychologically and have nearly died numerous times. I’ve suffered at the devastation of divorce. I’ve nearly lost my life due to Crohns and spent time in Intensive care. Car crashes that almost took my life, and a number of other things. The trauma of these experiences has left me extremely damaged but I fight on through as I refuse to let the perpetrators/ experiences win and steal my light.
On top of my mental health, I have Crohns Disease, Fibromyalgia and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder). Some days or weeks are hell for me and I really do struggle.
I am writing this with a lump in my throat as today I’m on a Bipolar low and my other mental illnesses and traumas are tormenting me like a battering ram in my head.
It’s not a blog to explain myself, yet in a way, it does help to get it out, its to show people that don’t understand mental health if they are blessed enough not to have one and to reach out to those who do understand to let them know they aren’t alone in their struggle.
I’ll start by explaining the anxiety that comes with all 3 of these disorders (especially BPD and PTSD)….Every morning I wake up (If I got to sleep at all) with anxiety that would make a person want to bang their head against a wall. I go to bed the same way the night before. I worry about things that have happened, are happening, and may happen in the future. My thoughts spiral out of control. I envisage the worst things that could happen and ruminate over them even if they never come true. I remember things that have happened that have traumatised me, and I lay paralysed in their grip of torment and the flashbacks that I endure are worse than I could ever describe. I worry that about life problems that are happening in the present no matter how big or small they are.
In spite of all of this, I am pushing through and getting on with my life. I am in an upcoming awesome band called Dystopia, I’m back to horseriding and I’m running a campaign to address the lack of Mental Health help and recognition.
We can’t let these illnesses/ disorders rule our lives. Although they can do at times and we must know the difference to rest ourselves and when to push through.
With the right support, we can live our dreams and live the life we want. Our dreams are within reach, all it takes is one small decision and it could change your life. So go for your passions and push through that wall of doubt.
As I always say, KEEP THE FAITH. Because faith is the only way we will get through this and change our lives for the better.
All my love in the world,