All posts by Alana Faith Lucas

About Alana Faith Lucas

A deep thinker with a genuine heart, lots of opinions but unbiased attitude and open to new thoughts or a new outlook. Isaiah 41v13

How Hila met Benny

Once upon a time, as all great childhood stories begin, there was a girl called Ilanna. She was a painfully introverted child but also extremely extroverted at the same time. She loved people, a social butterfly would be the way you could describe her, but she thrived on time alone just as much.

But she was never alone, even when she was spending time by herself. Her imaginary friend Benny was always by her side and kept her company all the time. They did everything together, played games, sang for the Teddy bears. With Benny asleep on her pillow right beside her bed, she always felt, safe, loved, and cared for. Benny knew all her little secrets and woes. He knew her intricate little personality traits that others may not have been able to understand the same even though they wanted to and tried.

As far back as Ilanna could remember, Benny had always been there. Benny was like a little light in the darkness that was there for her before she even knew he was. Benny was there before she even knew existed. Watching over her from the day she Ilanna was born. She could never remember when she realised he was there, but she could sense him. The day they met properly has never been known to this day, but I suppose that is the beauty of it.
She carried him around in her pocket, her parents were even so aware of his importance to her that they pretended to speak to him as though he were a real life friend. Which to her, he was. Her mum and dad would pretend to lift him off the sidewalk and in to the car as Benny was too little to get in himself.


Benny was his own little character. Benny was warm, loving, sympathetic, loyal, and protective. He made Ilanna laugh when she was feeling sad, confused or lonely. He loved her with all his little heart, she was his everything. It was a special bond and a personal relationship that no-one else she ever met could come close to. If you can imagine a pet you’ve ever had, like a dog, you will understand they are so in love with you, they are your most loyal friend. You are their person, their only person. The wait for you to come home and when you do it makes their whole day. They miss you when you are away from them. You are the only person they care about in that special way. They have feelings and emotions. They care how you feel and what you are going through in your life. They go through it with you. They are the only creature or human that see every side of your personality that others don’t. They are there when you cry, and they comfort you when you do. They are there when you’re angry, and never hold it against you or think differently of you. They forgive straight away without thought and want to reassure you in whatever form you are in.


That’s what Benny was like.


As Ilanna grew up through elementary school, she became more and more outgoing, yet she was being badly bullied at school. Benny was her only comfort. She would come home and cry herself to sleep, all the while Benny was laying beside her loving and comforting her. She couldn’t understand why they hated her at school, but she knew Benny didn’t. He was her only friend.
It became more difficult for society to understand and treat Benny with respect as she reached adolescence, and she was worried what she was going to do. Benny wasn’t the type of creation that you could forget about, Benny was a strong part of her psyche, and they had been through so much together.  In the recent time thay Ilanna was agonising over what to do about Benny, her little niece was diagnosed with Asperger’s. She was a very bright child, yet she lacked the same social skills her Aunty Ilanna did at the same age. Ilanna was in so much mental agony as to what to do about Benny. I mean, he could stay in her head, but she wouldn’t be able to socialise with him the same way she could as a child. Then there was the added problem of being branded with some sort of mental disorder if she were to keep him in her mind as much as she had done growing up. So one night, after many hours of questioning and worrying about little Benny and her Little Niece Hila, she came up with the most beautiful way of helping the problem for both her favourite people. However, this came at a painful price for her.


The next morning, she went downstairs to see little Hila as she was staying the night. It was a Saturday morning so there was no school for either of them. Little Hila was restlessly watching cartoons and seemed to be feeling a little agitated. Ilanna put her arms around her and instantly little Hila felt better. The comfort she craved, as Ilanna did as a child at her age was a temporary but poignant solution to Hila’s problem.

“I’ve got a present for you Princess Hila”, said Ilanna.

“Have you bought me sweet Aunty Ilanna?” replied Little Hila

“No better than that, but you have to close your eyes, use your imagination and your heart, Can you do that for me?”

“Now, on the count of three you have to open your eyes and hold out your hands, okay? Said Ilanna.

1………. 2……… 3.

Hila opened her eyes and Ilanna placed little Benny in Hila’s cupped palms. Instantly Hila knew what had happened because everyone knew who Benny was.

“Is Benny coming to play with me today?” Hila asked.

“No my little princess Hila, Benny is your friend now, you can keep him as long as you want. He’s yours!” Said Ilanna, with tears in her eyes but joy in her heart.

“Benny is my friend now? And only my friend?” Hila was so shocked and excited!

“Yes my princess, he is your friend now. But you have to look after him, play with him, bring him with you, and tuck him up beside you at night”

Right away, Hila jumped from her seat with a smile that Ilanna had never seen before. She knew that smile already although, the same smile she had when she found Benny when she has Hila’s age.

The change in Hila after she and Benny had bonded and made their own relationship like the sunshine had come back in to life. They did most of the same things Ilanna and Benny did together, but obviously Hila was her own person, so they developed new and enjoyable games to play and conversations between them. They didn’t even have to speak words sometimes for Benny and Hila to talk to each other, they just knew each other that well.

As Ilanna watched the friendship and relationship develop between Hila and Benny, she knew she had done the right thing. At this point Ilvanna was entering Junior High. Obviously, This would have been a point in her life that she would have needed Benny the most as she was nervous about meeting new friends and being in a new place. But Benny had taught her over the years so much, and she was a much stronger person now.

Although she missed Benny terribly, the most beautiful part of the whole thing was, she could still sense Benny in every way. Yet she didn’t need him the same, she knew Benny was with her. When she minded Hila, she could feel his presence so strongly and that brought back all the comfort and love she needed from him all along. Of course, now she could see the guidance Benny was giving to Hila and the change in this beautiful child was indescribable.

Ilanna had given little Hila the most important gift she would ever have been given in her life. And to this day Hila remembers what her loving Aunty Ilanna done for her.

But….. where did Benny go?? The story may continue 😉

Written by Alana Faith Lucas

Copyright 2020

Loving and Healing Yourself Pt 3

LOVING AND HEALING YOURSELF PART 3 

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed the blogs on my series “Loving and Healing Yourself” so far. I hope they’ve given you a bit in incite that you aren’t alone, we aren’t alone. 

 

Today It would like to bring up the side of the topic out the outward appearance since we have been doing some inner soul searching. 

This isn’t the outward appearance I’m talking on today is not in the terms of makeup, hair, tan etc (although all are a good thing to do from time to time and ill touch on that later in the blog). I want to speak about how we view and look at ourselves when we look in the mirror and how our brain tricks us into thinking we look different than we actually do. 

As part of my Borderline Personality, Body Dysmorphia and OCD are in my category. 

When I look in the mirror, I am covered in scars, literally. Major surgery scars, min/major surgery scars, scars from self-harm and so on. I’ve had 4 major life saving bowel surgeries that run from the top of my abdomen right to the bottom and 2 that runs from one side of my stomach to the other where I had 2 colostomy bags after nearly passing away in 2003 at 19 years of age. I have a scar on my left chest where I had a lump removed, I have a 5 cm scar on my inner thigh where I had a potentially fatal abscess near my main artery. I hundreds have scars all over my face neck and shoulders when my skin broke down due to my autoimmune disease and they never healed right and always stay white even when I have a tan. I have self-harm scars on my limbs and other places I would rather not say for now. 

 

I could look at these scars and think, “I’m ugly” or “My body is ruined” or “How am I attractive even to myself never mind the opposite sex?” …. Truth is, I have thought that over the years from time to time but being the type of person that I am, stubborn feisty, a fighter, a SURVIVOR… I always return back to the thought that; they are part of me. They are my story. They are reminders of that which tried to kill me but I was stronger than it, pushed through and won. 

 

I have marks where I have been abused in the past by people that I don’t wear with pride the same, and I have a weakness in my neck and spine where I crashed my car at 100mph and again, almost died. But I didn’t. 

 

How about what others have told you also?? The hurtful things they’ve said about you, things about your appearance, trying to tear you down and your soul along with it. Do they stick out in your head?? Was it a bully?? An ex-partner?? An ex-friend?? A family member?? A Co-Worker?? Words can cut really deep and people like this know that, especially if it’s something you already had a problem with. If you have experienced this, I am so very sorry that you have. There is nothing like that feeling of feeling you aren’t good enough internally and externally for someone. Why should it matter to them so much that you look a certain way?? Just remember this however the problem lays with them!! They are the one who is flawed, not you!! Normal humans do not go around destroying others, no matter what the reasons are. 

 

I am here to tell you today, that you are beautiful. Beautiful beyond compare. You were created in your own special way and you are UNIQUE!! There is not one other person in this world like you. The number of hairs on your head, you eye colour, your fingerprints, your personality, your mind, your heart and most definitely your SOUL. You were created by God to be the person you are and you certainly weren’t made for others to tear apart verbally or otherwise. 

 

Let me tell you something and I mean this from the bottom, and every part of my heart. Beauty does NOT come from the outside, as cliché as it may sound, REAL beauty does come from within. I’ll break it down. These are inward, personality, outlook on life, personal attributes and attitude based.  

1) A beautiful Mind (Thoughtful, positive even in spite of your health problems etc) 

2) A beautiful heart (Caring for other people and wanting the best for them )

3) A beautiful Soul (Someone who feels empathy and compassion for others) 

4) A beautiful personality (Being, kind, warm, funny, easy to talk to, the examples are endless) 

5) A beautiful inner strength (To triumph through all the adversities you have had thrown at you) 

6) Staying inwardly beautiful in any situation (Rising above it and knowing that you can get through it) 

7) A beautiful character (Wanting to be the kindest and best version of yourself you can be) 

8) How you treat other people and make them feel 

 

Do you know the most beautiful outward appearance a woman (or man) can wear, even to the opposite gender and vice versa?? A beautiful smile. It doesn’t matter how many layers of makeup or clothes or fronts you can out on, a smile breaks down barriers through ANYTHING. Think about it, when you were having a bad day and you were walking to the shop, a stranger smiling at you I the street, possibly stopping and saying to you that they love something about you, what did that or how would that make you feel?? I bet it means much more than anything you can buy to make yourself look pretty. Sure, don’t get me wrong, I’m a woman myself, I love having my hair done and my makeup done, getting a new outfit, or a new pair of shoes etc it does make you feel great!! But we must first learn to love the person we are stripped back from all of that stuff and learn to love the authentic YOU!! God sure does 😊 Your friends and family sure do. I do 😊 I love you the way you are, whether you are down or happy. As long as you are being real and being YOU. 

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this today and please believe the words I have said to you… You are beautiful and if you aren’t feeling that way, you should ❤ 

All my love, care and faith in you 

Alana Faith 

Petition For Mental Health Action NI

Head Admin 

Petition Founder 

 

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Loving and Healing Yourself Part 2

Today is part 2 of the “Loving and healing yourself” series of blogs topic that I’m going to try my best and complete over the next while.

I will point out, while I write these I am in the same process myself, so please don’t think I have it all figured out. I really don’t lol… As I’m learning I’m writing so maybe we can do it together??

So, today’s topic on this subject will be more about the life we give ourselves after a trauma or heartbreak. This can be anything like, a divorce, a domestic abuse relationship, bereavemet, kidnapping a bad childhood, sexual/ emoitonal or physical abuse, difficult teens, bullying (at any age)…  anything that has caused you pain and trauma can be on this list.

Often after such an experience or experiences, as we know life does not always blast us with one problem, we feel we are not good enough for the good things’ life has to offer. Depression and anxiety can ravage our lives as we live through the aftermath of such an event. This part is normal and can be dealt with and healed. The first part I mentioned, not being good enough, is not.

Let me give you a simple scenario. If you child, friend, partner or loved one were to go through the same experience you have or are going through, would you be telling them that they will never get over it or that they will never be good enough again for anything good to happen them?? Think of the pain that would cause them on top of the already mounting hurt they have from what they went through?? I’m certain you would never say or feel this. So why do we tell ourselves this?

Is it because we are brainwashed from the situation that occurred that we feel that’s what we deserved?? Is it because we can’t see why it would have happened if we didn’t deserve it?? Is it because we are still in those circumstances that harmed us in the first place and haven’t managed to get away from them?? It could also be C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress) from the incident(s) that we haven’t dealt with yet or bottled up and stuck out head in the sand.

They simply could have left that big a scar on our heart’s minds and souls that its almost visible on the outside. My heart breaks for you if this is the case. I can empathise with you completely on that one. It does take quite some time to recover from these things and sometimes we simply don’t know how to. Sometimes we don’t feel we can trust anyone to talk to them about it, we hold it all inside and it poisons us and creates difficult and unmanageable ways of living our lives. Like isolation, distrust, disassociation, apathy, anger at the wrong times, substance abuse, self-harm, depression…. and so on. Each of us will have our own list of personal harmful ways we react to what happened to us and some may seem harmless. We may even give ourselves excuses at time for them, which I am not condemning anyone for, no-one knows what you are feeling. What is up to us though, is to recognise them and find the courage somewhere inside ourselves to reach out for help and try to fix them.

 

I’ll remind you at this point, I am not exempt from any of these traits, trauma reactions. I have done my fair share of fighting back at my experiences, but almost always, at the wrong time, place, or at the wrong people that it happened with. No-one can blame you for feeling what you do, no-one. They weren’t there to see what happened and if they were, they probably don’t know what to do to help. They may make the wrong choices in trying to help and you may see them as making it worse or even blaming them. But we are all human and if there are people there trying to help please do one thing for me if you do anything at all, don’t push them away. This will be where you will suffer most and where the situation that happened you has won.

 

Life can sometimes be very, very hard. It can be confusing. It can be heartbreaking and it can be what we feel, life-ruining. But, if you place your hand on your left side where your heart is and it’s still beating, then you are still alive and recovery is possible. I try to remind myself of this every day.

 

Ok, I will leave it there for today 😊 I do hope friends that some of my words have penetrated your heart and given you some hope that things can change. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth anything in life is easy. Life is about learning, strengthening and overcoming and showing those people, that situation, that thing that happened, that you are stronger than it was, you deserve more than it ever did and you will WIN!!!

The battle is yours to win, but we can win it together 😊

All my love and care, KEEP THE FAITH

Alana Faith 13882540_505316913001880_4924214942285563240_n

Love and Heal Yourself part 1

I haven’t blogged in a while now; my mental and physical health have not been good since January. Unfortunately, with the conditions I have they affect my cognitive ability and impair anything I love to do, reading, writing, even thinking. It causes a numbness in my mind and body that so frustrating as a creative and communicative person.

Thankfully I am beginning to come back to my usual self so I hope this is a good sign of things to come.

My blog today is about loving and healing yourself.

Now when we think about this, sometimes it musters thoughts of a big-headed self-righteous person, narcissistic maybe. This is not the type of love for yourself that I mean at all. What I mean in this case, is learning to love who you have been created to be, the flaws and the attributes.

 

Now before I go any further, I know what you will be thinking, as I think this myself even as I write this. “How can I even like, never mind love my flaws when they cause me so much pain??” Well this is the tricky part. Your flaws are as much part of you as your great character traits. People you don’t even realise see your “flaws” as some of your best parts!! We all see ourselves in a different light. On the same bat, our great traits can sometimes be seen by others as your worst. You will never keep everyone happy. The biggest thing we have to realise here is, it does not matter what others see or feel about you. It’s about you yourself.

Yes of course we want our friends and family to see the good in us, which brings me back to my last point, they DO!! It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes “Be who are you are and say how you feel, as those who matter don’t mind and those who mind DON’T MATTER!!… Isn’t that a wonderful thought??

 

Now let’s get back to loving ourselves. This doesn’t always come easy, for some it will rather than others. Sometimes it depends on how we were raised, emotional abuse or otherwise we have experienced in childhood or adulthood from the outside world, bullying etc…. This is where you have the power. Do not, whatever you do, in your life let other people’s opinions of you, what they did to you and how they affected your life at the time, affects how you are now or anymore. They don’t deserve this power over your being. You are letting them live rent free in your head and their voices drown out the cry of your own heart and soul. You were not created to be controlled by other person, no matter who they are.

 

I can speak about this from very deep experience. I have been made feel all the worst things you can imagine, that how I know to advise you of this topic. I will admit however, I do falter myself at times with this very issue. I fall prey to the ghosts of my past and dwell on ways I’ve been made to feel even if it isn’t happening now. That’s the thing though, it is not happening now, my life has turned out the way I wanted it to, yet I let my past ruin it and overpower it at times because don’t feel I deserve it. But these are lies!! I do deserve it I’ve worked very hard; I’ve come through the fires of hell so to speak and why should I go through all of that trauma and torment to continue to do this to myself. I myself have turned in to my own bully!! You in this same way, deserve this peace and happiness I am trying to give myself; you have been through enough to let someone who made your heart bleed in the past, bleed any further. You do not deserve this, neither do they as they didn’t deserve to cause your pain in the first place. If you don’t heal what another person cut you with, you will bleed over people who didn’t do it to you and want to help. This includes yourself. It will stop any progress in your life that is good, it will stop you from becoming the wonderful person you were created to be.

I believe you know in your heart what I’m saying is true. I need to keep reminding myself of the same thing at times. It’s almost a habit when times get tough for me, that I fall into a depression and blame myself for this, that and everything. Really and truly, I am stopping myself from moving on from things that did not deserve to take place in my own life. Its self-sabotage. Almost like we are afraid to succeed because we know how hard is to fall from Grace and how far we can fall.

Friends let’s make a pact today to speak kinder to ourselves, give ourselves the encouragement we need, be our own friend.

I’ll finish with 2 more of my favourite quotes:

“Strength is not measured on how hard we fall, it’s how we get back up that shows our strength”

“Get knocked down 7 times, get back up 8” (this may be your breakthrough)

 

All my love and care as always

KEEP THE FAITH!!

Alana Faith

 

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Addicted to loneliness

This couldn’t be more true. A lot of Addictions start due to painful experiences although a lot also are to do with a lack of something humans need, more human contact. It’s a replacement for their loneliness. That’s why they are so hard to walk away from, it’s like we look at them like they are people sometimes, they were our friend when no one else was type of thing.

This goes for every single addiction, physical, mental and emotional. We can become dependent on ANYTHING in this world just to get through life. We need to watch out for people more and make more effort to see them. Instead of pointing fingers and judging what they are doing, recognise their pain that’s causing them to do it and help them.

We always to people “you are not alone” but….. Sometimes we are. Where are those people when we need them?

We also say “reach out for help” but….. Sometimes it’s not there when we do, which only makes the problem deepen. Where are those people when we do?

Help people, don’t judge them. You never know how you or your own children will be in the future. Treat people like you’d want your own children treated by someone else. They are or were someone’s child at one time.

Watch this video, hopefully it will change how we see addiction.

Alana Faith 🌹

The Cat With 10 Lives

INTRODUCTION “The Cat With 10 Lives”…. The sequel to my other novel The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

THE CAT WITH 10 LIVES

Ilanna is a troubled girl. Multiple traumas in her life, she hasn’t always dealt with things in the right way. But what is the right way when you’re in turmoil??
She has a big heart, too big sometimes and loves too much, almost to a fault. However, she doesn’t love herself. With major clinical, physical and mental health diagnosis’, her life has been far from easy.

Heart broken, mind in pieces and a crying soul, it all combines for a lost girl who never fully grows up. Caught in a whirlwind of confusion and pain, she finds a herself in the most dangerous and devastating situations where she is prey to predators.

Despite all of this, she is a strong minded stubborn girl which is exactly what prevails her through all the adversity she endures. She crumbles and she falls, yet she rises and shines. She is admirably resilient to major trauma, but only for a while. Dissociation is her way of dealing with the catastrophic events that take place in her life. The time is only borrowed to her and the past come a back like a Tsunami later in life. Weakened and deeply affected my her circumstances, the yoyo of rises and falls makes for a life is chaos.

Can she get herself off the ferris wheel of distress and break the pattern?

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

INTRODUCTION to my upcoming book.

“THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF”

We’ve all heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf, or so we think we have any way. There are too many people branded with this tragic label when in reality, things are going on or really have happened them that no-one believed and left the person alone dealing with an array of trauma that wreaked havoc on their lives to this day.

When something does happen them in plain sight by this point it’s is normally too late. Even when something happens that is obvious to society, they tend to turn a blind eye. Some people do not like to see the truth. It would mean they had to do something and hardened hearts don’t want to get involved. They would rather believe a beautiful lie than an ugly truth.

This book is a perspective of this exact human circumstance. I hope it opens eyes, awakens minds & hearts and creates a place in society that allows people to feel safe to share their trauma and where we all look out for one another.

Mental health is rife in our communities and even though it may seem that victims exaggerate a situation that has happened them, making stories up or simply “too much has happened” for it all to be true, just think how that person must feel if the things they say are true. This is a tragedy that just be adjusted to stop things happening to people and they suffer in silence.

Always keep an open mind.

The Double Wammy

It comes to no surprise that Mental and physical health problems come hand in hand. I for one am evidence that this is 100% correct.

When I feel my physical health going down, I can out money on it (if I were a betting person) that my mental will follow shortly after. When my mental state deteriorates, you can put your bottom dollar on that my physical will follow. It’s a cruel catch 22.

Now there are times, that this does not happen and it is one of the greatest things to me personally, as I can get better much quicker no matter what side of things has taken a bad turn. The key is, to notice where and when to start looking after the dormant one before it takes hold. Only then can you find the strength to fix the main one that has begun to cause you hassle, for lack of a better word.

When both take hold, it is paraylising and life ruining whilst the symptoms are happening. They take over every single part of your life, big and small.

But your story isn’t over no matter your diagnosis. You are nor your illness!! I wouldn’t even say it’s past of you, it’s a foreign body and affliction that has been set upon going show you how strong you are. There are some people who would never be able to deal with what you do every day. Same way there are things others deal with every day that we couldn’t. This is own own pet so am adversity to overcome and once we do we are empowered by the power within us!!

Sure there are going to be says it takes over, those are the days we need to learn to rest. But there are days that if we push through we will be surprised what we can do and how much power we have over it!! Not the other way around.

Always remember, there are people who love you. Don’t suffer in silence, if you need help ask for it. I’m sure the people who love you would do anything to help.

This is a short one today but I will leave with one last thing. Whatever you’re going through, you can overcome it!!!! I am proof of this.

As always, keep the faith 💜

Alana Faith xxx

The Unrecognised Disease

Guys today I want to touch on addiction, or what I know of it anyway.

Addictions first and foremost almost always sitting upon another problem unsolved. Mental Health. Trauma. Anxiety. PTSD…. The list could go on. No-one wishes as a child they would end up addicted to something that would steal so may parts of themselves and their lives they wouldn’t even see it happening. It’s gradual and it can take months and years for the person to realise its happening. Family members will spot it a lot quicker but they resist their plea’s as they do not want to admit to themselves nor do they think it is a real problem. For most of the time anyway.

Addiction is an illness in itself. It strips any the beautiful parts of a person that by the end of it if they are lucky to be alive, they won’t even recognise themselves. For the lucky ones who made it through to this part, this is the start of a real painful process that may seem impossible for the individual. It’s learning their life all over again. They see things and changes in their world that they hadn’t noticed before. They look and feel different as we change every day, drugs and alcohol mask this and they feel they have aged and life has moved on overnight.

This isn’t even to mention the process of withdrawal either. This is excruciating for addicts, people I should say as that’s what they are, human beings. They go to hell and back in this process with so many symptoms one would wonder how anyone would do it, this is why they are so scared to it in the first place.

But the main part of this I really need to point out is the reason they started in the first place, the mental health side of it. Some people may have pain in their past or present when they started to lean on drugs or alcohol. It is a painkiller from the overwhelming stress and struggles they are under. It is an escape….. at the start.

Soon enough, it becomes the very things they were escaping from. After the substances have had their way with the person, they are left dealing with the same problems they started using for in the first place, although many other things that have happened in that time to deal with also.

We can see why these people are in such a quagmire with themselves, as they are scared to leave the one thing behind they feel helped them live (in their eyes), the one thing that helped them stop the pain they were feeling, the one friend they felt was there to help when no one else was, the one thing that helped them sleep at night and wake in the morning. Withdrawl from such a thing is not just physical it is completely psychological and brings up so many memories they had buried deep inside. So all in all, its a traumatic experience in itself.

Noone should look down on these people. In fact, we should be in awe of them for what they have gone through to get to where they are. It takes great inner strength and belief that non addicts would never know about, until they can become an addict.

Anyone can become an addict. Anyone….. Let that sink in. No matter what walk of life you come from, no matter what job or occupation, no matter your place in a family, no matter your age. We are all in a position to get addicted to something. I always say “everyone has their poison”…. We all have vices, drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, once again, the list goes on.

I will leave it there because this is something I could talk about for days. I really feel for these people. They might be you, they might be someone you love. We at the PMHANI Team want you to know we are here for you if you have a concern about any of the above. We won’t be able to fix your problem, but we are here to listen and to support and point you in a possible direction that may be able to help.

If you are someone who has beat addiction and continues to……. WELL DONE. We are proud of you. Always remember you will be an inspiration for others to do the same.

Anyway, I’ll stop there and leave you with my motto…. KEEP THE FAITH 

100% love as always,

Alana Faith 🌹

Head Admin

 

The Harder The Battle The Sweeter the Victory

Okay, so it’s not a surprise to a lot of you when I say I am bipolar. It’s not like it’s not obvious to those who know me and I’m pretty open with it on social media and in person. Although to some people is would be a surprise as I do so much with music, modelling, and many other projects so I suppose it could look like I have it all together. I do at times but most of the time it feel like I myself and my life is falling apart is everything including myself is out of control.

Although alongside my Bipolar Disorder, I have Borderline Personality and PTSD. Borderline Personality causes, crippling anxiety, OCD, Mental Fatigue (Brain Fog), Body Dysmorphia, agoraphobia and anorexic tendencies in me. The PTSD causes traumatic flashbacks from past trauma, causes me to be afraid of noises, answering the door, answering the phone at times and being a recluse basically. They all make me feel like they ruin me as a person and I can tend to be very angry at times without even realising why. I take it out on the closest to me and for that, I feel so much guilt. I have a chronic guilt disorder anyway, it’s possibly one of the hardest parts of my mental health to deal with.

Without going into detail, I have been abused in the most horrific of ways, domestically abused, sexually, psychologically and have nearly died numerous times. I’ve suffered at the devastation of divorce. I’ve nearly lost my life due to Crohns and spent time in Intensive care. Car crashes that almost took my life, and a number of other things. The trauma of these experiences has left me extremely damaged but I fight on through as I refuse to let the perpetrators/ experiences win and steal my light.

On top of my mental health, I have Crohns Disease, Fibromyalgia and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder). Some days or weeks are hell for me and I really do struggle.

I am writing this with a lump in my throat as today I’m on a Bipolar low and my other mental illnesses and traumas are tormenting me like a battering ram in my head.

It’s not a blog to explain myself, yet in a way, it does help to get it out, its to show people that don’t understand mental health if they are blessed enough not to have one and to reach out to those who do understand to let them know they aren’t alone in their struggle.

I’ll start by explaining the anxiety that comes with all 3 of these disorders (especially BPD and PTSD)….Every morning I wake up (If I got to sleep at all) with anxiety that would make a person want to bang their head against a wall. I go to bed the same way the night before. I worry about things that have happened, are happening, and may happen in the future. My thoughts spiral out of control. I envisage the worst things that could happen and ruminate over them even if they never come true. I remember things that have happened that have traumatised me, and I lay paralysed in their grip of torment and the flashbacks that I endure are worse than I could ever describe. I worry that about life problems that are happening in the present no matter how big or small they are.

In spite of all of this, I am pushing through and getting on with my life. I am in an upcoming awesome band called Dystopia, I’m back to horseriding and I’m running a campaign to address the lack of Mental Health help and recognition.

We can’t let these illnesses/ disorders rule our lives. Although they can do at times and we must know the difference to rest ourselves and when to push through.

With the right support, we can live our dreams and live the life we want. Our dreams are within reach, all it takes is one small decision and it could change your life. So go for your passions and push through that wall of doubt.

As I always say, KEEP THE FAITH. Because faith is the only way we will get through this and change our lives for the better.

All my love in the world,
Alana Faith
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